A SpotsBug’s World

back to plan A

I’m a planner.  All my life I’ve always wanted to accomplish things.  I’ve set goals and worked towards those goals.  I see where I want to be and I’ve planned the steps to get there.  I knew as a little girl that my Plan A would include getting a decent education which would lead to a decent job which could help me afford a decent house.  I would be independent and self-sufficient and potentially one day I would head down a path to my dream of owning property.  There I would build my dream home, build a dream barn in order to take care of my dream horses and all the while I would contribute what I could to the greater good of humanity.

Grand dream right?

Notice that finding a guy, marrying said guy and starting a family never entered into that dream.  That’s right, because I felt like if it happened – great – and if not – great.  I was going to be alright either way.  I didn’t feel that becoming a wife and mother was my main purpose in life.  I was an oddity in my circle of friends who were boy crazy and were pretty much just busy planning the next party they would attend to meet the guy of their dreams.  This was so they could one day marry him, have 2.5 children, own the house with the white picket fence and live out the American dream happily ever after.

I was not swayed by them or the fairytales and romantic comedies I watched growing up.  While I love to plan, planning my wedding at the age of 12 with my girlfriends at a slumber party was not my idea of fun.  I was very content to be on my own, working my odd jobs, going to school, and putting away money to contribute to my Plan A.

That is until about six years ago where on one fateful evening I was reintroduced to an acquaintence and we started dating shortly thereafter.  At first things were fine.  He was independent and so was I.  He liked his alone time and so did I.  He had his own house/space and so did I.  Things were good.  I was able to date without pressure and continue working towards Plan A. 

Over the years though things started getting more serious.  I didn’t want to have as much alone time as before, I wanted to be a little more dependent, and I wanted to start merging our lives and our homes.  I was rethinking my Plan A and replacing some of the terms with a Plan B which included finding someone to share my life with, to create experiences and share memories with.  Someone I could build a home and a family with.  Someone with whom I would allow myself to depend upon and in turn be there for him.  This acquaintence-turned-boyfriend was just the guy that stopped me from thinking about Plan A so much and started me thinking about planning a wedding and a preparing for a shared existence.

We struggled off and on as I started to see our relationship in a more serious light.  We’d break up and get back together, break up and get back together.  It was a cycle.  We never seemed to be on the same page about what we both wanted.  It was Ultra Bachelor meets Miss Independent – now make it work… 

We also personally went through some deep losses and hardships over these six years.  Our parents had a variety of health issues and then, sadly, we experienced several deaths of family members including a few uncles, my grandmother, and both of our fathers.  These events created a stronger bond between us but also distracted us from focusing on our relationship and each other.

As I lost these lovely people in my life one by one and crept closer and closer to turning 30, I realized how much I would love to have Plan B.  I discovered how short life is and that it’s all about the people you surround yourself with.  It’s about who you let into your heart and whose heart you earn your way into that really matters.  Because when you are gone, your memory lives on in the hearts of others.  I felt the need to live in someone’s heart and to pour all my heart and love into someone else and the next generation. 

After some time, I finally decided that we were at a point to make a decision for Plan B.  We had had six years of ups and downs, happiness and sadness.  We’d seen each other at our worst and at our best and if these experiences did not create a direct path to each other then it was time for the relationship to end.  Needless to say he wasn’t ready despite all the life we’ve already shared together.  We couldn’t be the best of ourselves for each other and that’s really what it came down to.

So my planning has started all over again only this time I’ve had a small taste of what another plan may feel like and it has left my heart broken. 

In the meantime I’m coming back to Plan A.  That existence I know and understand.  It has been in the works since I was a child.  It is comfortable and straightforward.  Plan B was emotional and messy.  It was always changing and it caused me to change.  Plan A is steady, reliable.  As I pick up the pieces from my detour gone bad, I am trying to remind myself that God has the ultimate plan for my life and it is the most sure thing I can cling to.  Though my current situation saddens me, I know that everything happens for a reason.  I’m beginning to believe that God is showing me that I don’t always have to be strong, independent and self-sufficient.  I believe through these last six years He has exposed my heart and created an urgency to feel more connected to Him and to others.  I’m still learning, I’m still a work in progress, and while I’m falling back on Plan A, I know that my true planning, my true life path can only happen when I’m solely and completely depending upon Him.

half of his heart

I have a feeling that this accurately describes how my on-again, off-again other half feels about me… even after 6 years in…

Lyrics: 

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been

Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, ’til the day you came
Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can’t stop loving you
But I can’t stop loving you
But I can’t stop loving you with half of my…

Half of my heart
Half of my heart

half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
half of my heart’s got you
half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won’t do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man
Who’s never really loved anything

Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart.

going to do better – hopefully

I’ve been away from this blog for quite some time.  I’ve had lots going on in life and I either have not found the time or motivation to write.  I am hoping to do better as life is beginning to normalize again.  I really just wanted to stop by for a moment to let you know that I’m here and around and planning to do better.  I will (I promise) write more a little later.