We’ve all been in situations where we’ve held back what we really wanted to say.  I know I do this and for a multitude of reasons.  Sometimes its because the fear of rejection sneaks up and catches me in a weak moment and then other times it may just be because I don’t feel its my place to comment.  For whatever the reason, I often find that my pride and frustration take over and I decide to speak louder with my actions.  Avoidance, grumpiness, and glaring looks become my way of dealing with certain people and situations.  This is usually a result of me feeling as though I’m not able to say what I need to say. 

This has happened recently and how I wish I could tell this person how much he’s hurt our family – but I don’t.  We’ve “talked” about the issues before, we all know what they are, but nothing is ever done.  No problems are ever fixed, no gaps are ever bridged.  I used to be more open and communicative, but my pleas have gone unanswered, my opinions and thoughts ignored.  Because of this, I have found myself hurt on one too many occassions and therefore decided in recent years that avoidance is my best defense. 

But this isn’t good enough.  Because it should work, our relationship should work.  The relationship should be easy and open instead of becoming such a horrible imposition on everyone involved.  So much has happened in the past it is hard to overcome.  But how can we overcome it if we are unwilling to talk about it.  And we have to be willing to talk about it without accusation or anger.  We have to be able to say what we need to say…  I think only then can we begin to heal and move forward.  

Excerpts from “Say”
by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say…

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say…

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say…

This week has been incredibly busy.  Full of accomplishment, amazement, sadness, disappoinment, and excitement.

Things at work are going well.  I’ve worked consistently this past week on a digital collection project that hopefully will be fully operational by the end of the month.  This has been 8 long months in coming.  I’m proud of this project, my team, and what this will allow us to do in the future for the library system.  It is a great accomplishment.

I have also spent most of my evenings this past week taking in the Olympic events.  I have watched in amazement as world record after world record has been broken.  These athletes are incredible.  From gymnastics to cycling to swimming to volleyball – I admire all of the determination each of these individuals have shown throughout these Olympic Games.  And just tonight… I watched as Michael Phelps became the only person to win 8 gold medals at a single Olympic Games.  How amazed am I?

There is also some sad news to report.  My boyfriend’s father, who was diagnosed with lung cancer back in May, has been told that the cancer has spread to both kidneys.  The doctor is not hopeful that any treatment will help and therefore has given the timeframe of around 3-6 months.  My heart hurts for the entire family but especially for my boyfriend.  Having lost my own father, I know firsthand what an inconsolable loss it is and how devastating the death of a parent can be.  I would give anything for him to not have to experience this and grieve for his own father.  I feel helpless.  All I can do is be there when he needs me and pray for all of them and know in my heart that God has a plan for this family as he had for mine.  But sadness is a dark cloud that has settled over my boyfriend and his family for the time being. 

Some disappointment has crept into my week by way of a particular family member.  This person and I have gone around and around in circles with each other over the past 6 or 7 years and to no avail.  When I try to talk with him about the issues, he seems to not fully listen – its in one ear and out the other.  But when I don’t speak to him, he gets upset claiming I never try.  It’s a “can’t win for losing” game we play all the time.  No matter what I do or what I say, nothing makes a difference and its always going to be wrong.  And in the middle of all of this turmoil is my sweet mother.  She doesn’t deserve the hurt she feels by the two of us not getting along the way we should.  That is probably what bothers me the most.  I wish I could fix it… I wish I could take away her hurt and all the awful things that have happened in the past and continue to happen.  But I can’t.  Again, I must turn to God because I feel that He is the only one that can fix the insurmountable mess we’ve made.  The disappointment can be devastating.

And finally, I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster this week through everything from the success at work, to the sad news of my boyfriend’s father, and the disappointment I’ve continued to feel.  But I’ve also had some excitement today to finish my week on a high note.  One of my best friends who I’ve known since I was 12 moved back to town today.  This comes after eleven years of the two of us living in separate states.  I am so very excited to have my longtime friend back in the same place and I’m looking forward to being able to regularly get together.  It felt great helping him unload his moving truck today… with every box I felt like I was getting him back, piece by piece.

I suppose all I can say for this emotional rollercoaster week is that “life is life” for good or bad.  We have to make of it what we can and let God do the rest.