A SpotsBug’s World

emotional rollercoaster

This week has been incredibly busy.  Full of accomplishment, amazement, sadness, disappoinment, and excitement.

Things at work are going well.  I’ve worked consistently this past week on a digital collection project that hopefully will be fully operational by the end of the month.  This has been 8 long months in coming.  I’m proud of this project, my team, and what this will allow us to do in the future for the library system.  It is a great accomplishment.

I have also spent most of my evenings this past week taking in the Olympic events.  I have watched in amazement as world record after world record has been broken.  These athletes are incredible.  From gymnastics to cycling to swimming to volleyball – I admire all of the determination each of these individuals have shown throughout these Olympic Games.  And just tonight… I watched as Michael Phelps became the only person to win 8 gold medals at a single Olympic Games.  How amazed am I?

There is also some sad news to report.  My boyfriend’s father, who was diagnosed with lung cancer back in May, has been told that the cancer has spread to both kidneys.  The doctor is not hopeful that any treatment will help and therefore has given the timeframe of around 3-6 months.  My heart hurts for the entire family but especially for my boyfriend.  Having lost my own father, I know firsthand what an inconsolable loss it is and how devastating the death of a parent can be.  I would give anything for him to not have to experience this and grieve for his own father.  I feel helpless.  All I can do is be there when he needs me and pray for all of them and know in my heart that God has a plan for this family as he had for mine.  But sadness is a dark cloud that has settled over my boyfriend and his family for the time being. 

Some disappointment has crept into my week by way of a particular family member.  This person and I have gone around and around in circles with each other over the past 6 or 7 years and to no avail.  When I try to talk with him about the issues, he seems to not fully listen – its in one ear and out the other.  But when I don’t speak to him, he gets upset claiming I never try.  It’s a “can’t win for losing” game we play all the time.  No matter what I do or what I say, nothing makes a difference and its always going to be wrong.  And in the middle of all of this turmoil is my sweet mother.  She doesn’t deserve the hurt she feels by the two of us not getting along the way we should.  That is probably what bothers me the most.  I wish I could fix it… I wish I could take away her hurt and all the awful things that have happened in the past and continue to happen.  But I can’t.  Again, I must turn to God because I feel that He is the only one that can fix the insurmountable mess we’ve made.  The disappointment can be devastating.

And finally, I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster this week through everything from the success at work, to the sad news of my boyfriend’s father, and the disappointment I’ve continued to feel.  But I’ve also had some excitement today to finish my week on a high note.  One of my best friends who I’ve known since I was 12 moved back to town today.  This comes after eleven years of the two of us living in separate states.  I am so very excited to have my longtime friend back in the same place and I’m looking forward to being able to regularly get together.  It felt great helping him unload his moving truck today… with every box I felt like I was getting him back, piece by piece.

I suppose all I can say for this emotional rollercoaster week is that “life is life” for good or bad.  We have to make of it what we can and let God do the rest. 

a spot of thankfulness

I’ve been feeling a little run down lately.  Drained by the heat and the drought I suppose.  But I’ve found that also suffering is my attitude.  My attitude towards people and situations.  I tend to do this from time to time as I’m sure others do as well.  I get a little down and out – not necessarily to the point of depression, just kind of blah about the daily happenings of life.  I become more easily agitated and bothered by people and I rediscover that my father’s temper is still alive and well with me. 

For me this change usually starts because of one of a handful of reasons. 

First possibility is that my thyroid medication is off and the side affects of my non-functioning gland wreak havoc on my system causing my hair to fall out, me to feel tired and cranky all the time, and many, many other things I won’t go into now that no one would ever suspect is controlled by the thyroid.  I always hate to use this medical condition as an excuse, but unfortunately, there is some truth to how much control it has over me. 

Second possibility is that I’ve gotten myself into a rut.  My life becomes too dependent on routine and I don’t allow myself the freedom to go outside my comfort zone to experience new and different things.  Boredom sets in and negative thoughts start to enter my poor, confused brain.

Third possibility is that I’ve had a friend or family member disappoint or hurt me in one way or another and I (lacking better judgement) allow it to creep into my thoughts and emotions.  Simply dwelling on the fact that I’ve been hurt or someone hasn’t lived up to my (often times too high) expectations can send me into a downward spiral faster than I care to admit.

My current state of mind I think is now being influenced a little by all three of the items listed above.  I have made a visit to the doctor so hopefully my new prescription will help my thyroid and in turn, help me feel better.  And I feel that if I am more energized by the new prescription than I will tend to find some new and exciting activities to partake in.  And lately, I’ve had a great deal of disappointment from one family member in particular.  All I can do with that situation is try not to dwell so hard on it, keep my wits about me, and pray really, really hard that God can move the mountain.  Because only He can in this situation.

This all got me thinking though about what else can I do to improve my attitude.  How can I be more proactive instead of reactive?  So I have this crazy idea.  I think in order to turn my attitude from negative thoughts that focus on what I don’t have, what I’m not doing, how others have hurt me… maybe I should refocus on all the blessings I do have, what I am doing with my life, and how fortunate I am to have people in my life who love and care about me.  Maybe I should simply be thankful.

So today I am starting to refocus and be thankful for all the good things in my life and all the lessons I learn from the not-so-good things.  I’m going to start writing a “Spot of Thankfulness” when I’m feeling down and out or feeling thankful or just feel like I need to share.

So for my first “Spot of Thankfulness” I feel I must start with a person who has seen me through all of my up and down days.  She’s been the one person in my life who consistently supports me in everything I do and always encourages my thoughts, ideas, and dreams.  I could never begin to express the level of gratitude I have for my wonderful, crazy, sweet, loving mother.  No matter what life brings, I know she will always be the dependable rock that provides the foundation to my life.  Thank you Mom for all of the wonderful things you do and for all the wonderful things you are.   

the human spirit

Tonight I sat at home, as did many Americans I’m sure, and watched the 2008 Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony. 

I watched as 2,008 drummers pounded China’s hope for their future into the hearts and minds of everyone watching at home.  A nation so controlled by its government for once set free to put on a show like no other Olympics has seen before.  The $300 million production was filled with 15,000 performers, 11,000 athletes, nearly 80 national leaders, and 90,000 other spectators – not to mention the billion or so viewing from home.  Fireworks, enormous LED screens, costumes and acrobatics filled the program.

But all the show-stopping stunts and special effects aside, I love the Olympics.  I love the sport, the competition, the awe-inspiring feats the athletes accomplish.  Some will break records, some will fall to injury, but all will be looked at as the world’s greatest – the best at their sport.  How incredible.

But I also love the idealistic side of what the Games represent.  That no matter our background, our race, our culture, religion, or political beliefs, we are all very much the same.  And what lies at the center of all the medals, the grandeur, the pomp and circumstance is indeed the heart of the human spirit. 

I always look forward to the Games – both winter and summer.  My favorite moment is always right at the end of the opening ceremony where the athletes are all finally on the field together.  The 200 or so countries are represented by a blended sea of colors.  The scenes of athletes shaking hands with those from other countries seem to allow us here at home a moment of quiet reflection and hope of a better world, a more peaceful world.  The civility, the sportsmanship, the comraderie of being an athlete overpowers every other difference between all of us for that brief, shining moment.

I admire these athletes.  Many experience hardships and struggles during the competition.  But their are those that face difficult circumstances in their own personal lives or have had to overcome severe national conditions in their own countries.  I am always amazed and astounded by their tenacity and fortitude.  The heart, determination, and dedication it takes to compete at a sport they love is absolutely incredible and often times seemingly impossible.  As corny and cliche’ as this might sound, they are all very much winners in my eyes. 

So I look forward to the next 17 days.  Seventeen days filled with the inspiration these athletes will bring and the feeling that for this short time the world will watch in unity as the essence of the human spirit is displayed on the greatest stage.

Let the games begin! 

“Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.”  ~Confucius