Today would have been my dad’s 61st birthday.  I imagine if he were still here with us, he would have probably played a morning round of golf with friends.  Then he and Mom would have made some sandwiches at the house for lunch and then taken off to see the afternoon showing of the latest summer flick.  After that we would have probably arranged a meal out together as a family, typically somewhere like Red Lobster (one of his favorites).  It would have been a good day celebrating the one we love.

Instead, we were left with simply our memories.  Now my father passed away 4 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.  And typically my mind wanders to remembrances of him a little more often on special days such as his birthday or a holiday.  But today he seemed to be especially on my mind.  I felt him with me all day.  I woke up with thoughts of him and here I am, half an hour to midnight and writing this. 

I wonder if I’m just being overly nostalgic because I have had a lot going on in life over the last several months.  I’ve ended a relationship with the last guy my father ever met and that, although I hate to admit it, is bothering me quite a bit.  The fact that any future partner I may have in my life will never have the chance to get “Dad approval” actually brings a tinge of sadness to my heart.  On a positive note though, I received a promotion at work and am finally getting my own department and becoming a supervisor.  Again, knowing that these types of successes in life are just the things I would want to share with him and not being able to, well, that saddens my heart a little more. 

But I don’t want to give the impression that I’m super sad.  Quite the contrary.  I mean, of course, I would give everything just to be able to have my Pop back in my life.  But the second best thing is knowing he will always be with me.  Through every disappointment and every success.  Through every good day and every bad day.  In every decision.  In every moment alone and those wonderful moments shared with family and friends.  He will be there every time I laugh with my mother and in every sweet conversation I have with my niece, his granddaughter.  He will be there when I’m listening to music or when I watch the History Channel.  He will simply be there.  These five words bring me a great deal of comfort and because I know this, I know he is always with me.  I had several reminders of that today.

As I drive to work each morning, there is one particular bend in the old country road I take every day that creates a perfect scene, a perfect moment.  Driving through it only takes about five seconds but it typically is the best five seconds of my day.  As you come out of a sharp turn, the road begins to slope downward.  Then, looking past the slope a little further the road opens into another bend at the bottom that heads over a bridge.  Overhead the trees cover the road so that you cannot see the sky, simply the sunlight as it filters through the green leaves that are turned golden as they are bathed in the shimmer of light.  The leaves fracture the streams of luminous glow and send it cascading over the pavement, a slight, misty haze in the air.  With the river as a backdrop I can think of nothing more beautiful than this moment each day.  That moment, if I could capture it and replay it 20 times a day, well,  it would be a good day every day.  I say all this to describe the magical moment I experienced this morning as I passed through this sacred point in my route to work.  Nothing unusual or different about this day except the light.  The sunlight had a heavier tinge of orange this morning which painted the trees and road in the shades of fall.  Very striking.  I thought an appropriate, simple gift for my dad, from our Heavenly Father.  What a beautiful day, what a beautiful moment shared in quiet with my dad as I simply drove to work.

As I progressed through my busy day, all the projects I’m managing right now, all the people I’m collaborating with and coordinating work for, I just thought about how Dad would be proud of his little girl.  I think he would feel that some of his superior management skills had rubbed off.  I would also like to think that while he was here I made him feel that his sacrifices in this life were not in vain.  That I have come as far as I have in large part due to his generous contributions to my education, my upbringing, my work ethic and simply being a good father.

As I left work today and headed to church, I was greeted again with the sunlight.  This time though, instead of the early morning sun, God created the most beautiful sunset.  As the golden rays spilled out from behind the clouds and stretched out towards the earth, I was embraced by the warmth and comfort of his memory.  It was almost as I could feel him saying to me, “I’ve had a good day, I love you and don’t worry about me.”  Again, just another stolen moment with my Dad.

And lastly, each month we have a birthday night in choir.  Someone brings a cake, someone brings drinks and after choir rehearsal we celebrate all the birthdays for that month.  A tradition is to also sing ”Happy Birthday.”  So tonight as we celebrated this month’s birthdays, I thought yet again of my father and I sang “Happy Birthday” to him with all my heart, because after all, that is now where he lives.

Happy Birthday Dad!  I love you and miss you very much.

I’m a planner.  All my life I’ve always wanted to accomplish things.  I’ve set goals and worked towards those goals.  I see where I want to be and I’ve planned the steps to get there.  I knew as a little girl that my Plan A would include getting a decent education which would lead to a decent job which could help me afford a decent house.  I would be independent and self-sufficient and potentially one day I would head down a path to my dream of owning property.  There I would build my dream home, build a dream barn in order to take care of my dream horses and all the while I would contribute what I could to the greater good of humanity.

Grand dream right?

Notice that finding a guy, marrying said guy and starting a family never entered into that dream.  That’s right, because I felt like if it happened – great – and if not – great.  I was going to be alright either way.  I didn’t feel that becoming a wife and mother was my main purpose in life.  I was an oddity in my circle of friends who were boy crazy and were pretty much just busy planning the next party they would attend to meet the guy of their dreams.  This was so they could one day marry him, have 2.5 children, own the house with the white picket fence and live out the American dream happily ever after.

I was not swayed by them or the fairytales and romantic comedies I watched growing up.  While I love to plan, planning my wedding at the age of 12 with my girlfriends at a slumber party was not my idea of fun.  I was very content to be on my own, working my odd jobs, going to school, and putting away money to contribute to my Plan A.

That is until about six years ago where on one fateful evening I was reintroduced to an acquaintence and we started dating shortly thereafter.  At first things were fine.  He was independent and so was I.  He liked his alone time and so did I.  He had his own house/space and so did I.  Things were good.  I was able to date without pressure and continue working towards Plan A. 

Over the years though things started getting more serious.  I didn’t want to have as much alone time as before, I wanted to be a little more dependent, and I wanted to start merging our lives and our homes.  I was rethinking my Plan A and replacing some of the terms with a Plan B which included finding someone to share my life with, to create experiences and share memories with.  Someone I could build a home and a family with.  Someone with whom I would allow myself to depend upon and in turn be there for him.  This acquaintence-turned-boyfriend was just the guy that stopped me from thinking about Plan A so much and started me thinking about planning a wedding and a preparing for a shared existence.

We struggled off and on as I started to see our relationship in a more serious light.  We’d break up and get back together, break up and get back together.  It was a cycle.  We never seemed to be on the same page about what we both wanted.  It was Ultra Bachelor meets Miss Independent – now make it work… 

We also personally went through some deep losses and hardships over these six years.  Our parents had a variety of health issues and then, sadly, we experienced several deaths of family members including a few uncles, my grandmother, and both of our fathers.  These events created a stronger bond between us but also distracted us from focusing on our relationship and each other.

As I lost these lovely people in my life one by one and crept closer and closer to turning 30, I realized how much I would love to have Plan B.  I discovered how short life is and that it’s all about the people you surround yourself with.  It’s about who you let into your heart and whose heart you earn your way into that really matters.  Because when you are gone, your memory lives on in the hearts of others.  I felt the need to live in someone’s heart and to pour all my heart and love into someone else and the next generation. 

After some time, I finally decided that we were at a point to make a decision for Plan B.  We had had six years of ups and downs, happiness and sadness.  We’d seen each other at our worst and at our best and if these experiences did not create a direct path to each other then it was time for the relationship to end.  Needless to say he wasn’t ready despite all the life we’ve already shared together.  We couldn’t be the best of ourselves for each other and that’s really what it came down to.

So my planning has started all over again only this time I’ve had a small taste of what another plan may feel like and it has left my heart broken. 

In the meantime I’m coming back to Plan A.  That existence I know and understand.  It has been in the works since I was a child.  It is comfortable and straightforward.  Plan B was emotional and messy.  It was always changing and it caused me to change.  Plan A is steady, reliable.  As I pick up the pieces from my detour gone bad, I am trying to remind myself that God has the ultimate plan for my life and it is the most sure thing I can cling to.  Though my current situation saddens me, I know that everything happens for a reason.  I’m beginning to believe that God is showing me that I don’t always have to be strong, independent and self-sufficient.  I believe through these last six years He has exposed my heart and created an urgency to feel more connected to Him and to others.  I’m still learning, I’m still a work in progress, and while I’m falling back on Plan A, I know that my true planning, my true life path can only happen when I’m solely and completely depending upon Him.