A SpotsBug’s World

singing once again

Many, many years ago I was in a little musical about immigrants coming to America.  It was 5th grade.  I had my first duet, I was dressed as an Irish girl, and the feeling of excitement started building as I stood on stage and started singing the first notes.  At all of 10 years old, I felt I had found a new way to express myself, a new activity to love and enjoy.  I felt I could do something worthwhile.

Since that moment, I continued to sing in church, a music visions program, throughout my junior high school years, and eventually ending up in the top choir at my high school.  Here is where I had most of my success - making All-State chorus three years in a row, as a sophmore being chosen among hundreds of students to sing at a special concert at Carnegie Hall, and as a senior being elected by my fellow choir members to sing the senior solo in the final song of our last concert of the year.

While I don’t have a tremendous voice, at least not one that I could have built a career around, I enjoyed every second I was singing.  It was a break from the regular academics and allowed me to learn about other facets of my personality and talent.  It helped develop the person I have become and gave me the opportunity to be a more well-rounded individual.

Since I graduated high school, I have missed singing.  Not necessarily by myself, truth is I much prefer being one voice in a group of voices.  At one point in college I even tried singing a semester in a local community choir.  While I enjoyed and appreciated that experience it just did not feel like a good fit for me.

I was sitting in church not too long ago and the sermon was on stewardship.  The focus of the sermon though did not rest solely on finances as those types of sermons usually tend to.  The point was stressed that all that we are and all that we have is the Lord’s and so when giving of ourselves in any way we are really only allowing God to use what is already His.  Our pastor put it in these terms of thinking of God as the owner or board of trustees and we are merely the managers.  He also emphasized that whatever we have, whatever we possess, whether it is finances, skills, talents, or anything else, should always be used to serve Him.

As I thought about this, I thought about how my average talent and above average joy of singing both belong to God and I just had not been allowing him to use them for His glory.  So in a bold move for me I have joined our church choir.  What better way to get involved in an activity that I’ve loved and missed and also praise God for all He has done and continues to do in my life?  So far I have attended one rehearsal and served in the choir one Sunday.  I only pray that this experience will continue to allow me to worship Him in new ways while also expanding His opportunity to use me and my average, ordinary talent for His extraordinary mission.  But whatever comes of this, I just know that for now I am growing my capacity to love and serve our Lord and I am doing it by singing once again.

Look, the highest heavens and the earth and everything in it all belong to the Lord your God. ~ Deuteronomy 10:14

For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations;I will sing praises to your name. ~ 2nd Samuel 22:50

the heart of africa

I have been absent from this site for almost a month now.  It seems most of my spare moments recently are either spent sleeping or in full zone-out, crash mode.  The daily routine has grinded down my energy and I have started to feel a little like a tired mouse on a wheel.  Running and running, never going anywhere, but can’t stop the motion…

Until an idea came to me.  For months now I have been considering how I can get involved in more things that will encourage, uplift, and help other people.  How can I see more of the world doing this?  How can I test and improve myself so that I break the redundant motion of the wheel?  How can I refresh and renew my spirit?  And then it came to me, a volunteer vacation might be just the ticket.  After much consideration and prayer over the last few months I have determined that my answer lies somewhere in the heart of Africa.

Yes, I know – a little risky, actually quite a bit risky.  Thinking about the disease, the poverty, the crime, the war, the sadness, the hunger of the people of Africa is a daunting challenge for me to wrap my little mind around.  I definitely have concerns about my well-being and safety.  There’s also a financial issue involved – it’s not necessarily cheap to help people in a third world country.  However, despite these seemingly insurmountable odds, I can’t help but think about the possibility that by me taking a risk and sacrificing finances and comfort, that God may use me in incredible ways there.  I can’t help but think about, if I don’t take this opportunity now while I’m young and unattached, what regret will fill my heart.

I have been reading up on Africa and researching the history, politics, and any other random information that may prove useful on this journey.  The more I read, the more I realize how difficult this journey may be.  And while some have thought that I’m a little crazy for wanting to put myself in the middle of known dangers, I came across the following excerpt in a book that I thought to be the best summary of my thoughts and feelings about this trip and for that matter life in general:

“At times like this in life I usually found myself asking why. Why do people do this? Why do we invite trials, frustrations, and discomfort? Why do we intentionally put ourselves in situations that we know will push us beyond where we like to be pushed, to places we know will be tough?

Maybe, I finally resolved, there isn’t one simple answer, just a longing to be tested and proven.  A desire to know that we can overcome whatever obstacle we may be forced to face.  It is only when we are pushed past our self-perceived limits that we are able to clearly see our truest nature, discover our deepest selves, only then can we hope to improve upon what we find.  To do so is neither safe nor comfortable, it is both dangerous and scary.  But we warriors at heart were meant to live dangerously.”

~Erik Mirandette from The Only Road North

So while there is still more to learn and plan before visiting this mysterious center of the world I do hope that if I do manage to coordinate a trip that God will keep me safe and use my time there for His will.  That I will not only have the time of my life, but that I will improve upon myself while helping improve others’ lives.  Even the smallest things can become the biggest miracles for some.  I will continue to post developments about this ongoing adventure…

pieces don’t fit anymore

I’ve been struggling with a relationship over the last couple of years.  I’ve mentioned it a few times before, but this weekend marked five years since we began seeing each other.  I have decided that I’m ready for more.  For a more committed, deeper relationship.  One that leads to marriage and a family.  He isn’t, or at least he won’t allow himself to be.

We’ve been through so much together in five years.  Not just the day-to-day stuff that becomes routine and mundane which is troublesome in itself, but the really hard stuff too.  The life changing stuff.  The hurt, love, and loss that life brings.

In these five years, we’ve both struggled together with job problems, failed friendships, and difficult family relationships.  We’ve faced the ongoing health issues of our parents together and we stood by one another at gravesides as we each said goodbye to our fathers.  Unfortunately, we’ve perfected tragedy.

But I simply don’t understand how someone you’ve shared so much with, who you’ve given your heart to, who you believed would be your husband 50 years from now and the father of your children, how he simply just stops.  I don’t understand how we’ve stopped.

I suppose that is part of life though, getting through the things you just can’t understand.

I have waited on him to make up his mind, but it seems the longer I wait, the less I want the relationship, the less the pieces fit together.  I don’t want to feel that he finally gave in or that I’m dragging him through life by the ear.  I want him to be as open with me as I am with him, open to life and the experiences that it holds.  I want him to be just as excited to spend the rest of his life with me and who will treasure and enjoy raising a family with me.

I guess that is too much to ask of him at this time.  Maybe one day he’ll wake up but my hope in that is quickly fading.  He is what he is and I can’t change him.  He really shuts himself out of so much by not allowing himself to feel anything.  I just hope he figures out that letting people in and being less selfish with his time, that moving forward one tiny step after another is a lovely process and one that can enrich his life and make it better than he could have ever imagined for himself.  I hope he comes to this realization before it’s too late and he’s spent too many years stuck in the day-to-day, mundane tasks and selfish moments that tend to fill one’s empty life.

selection from The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore by James Morrison

I’ve been twisting and turning in a space that’s too small
I’ve been drawing the line and watching it fall
You’ve been closing me in, closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore

The pieces don’t fit here anymore

Oh, don’t misunderstand how I feel
Cause I’ve tried, yes I’ve tried
Still I don’t know why
No I don’t know why

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore

The pieces don’t fit here anymore