A SpotsBug’s World

a heavenly birthday

Today would have been my dad’s 61st birthday.  I imagine if he were still here with us, he would have probably played a morning round of golf with friends.  Then he and Mom would have made some sandwiches at the house for lunch and then taken off to see the afternoon showing of the latest summer flick.  After that we would have probably arranged a meal out together as a family, typically somewhere like Red Lobster (one of his favorites).  It would have been a good day celebrating the one we love.

Instead, we were left with simply our memories.  Now my father passed away 4 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.  And typically my mind wanders to remembrances of him a little more often on special days such as his birthday or a holiday.  But today he seemed to be especially on my mind.  I felt him with me all day.  I woke up with thoughts of him and here I am, half an hour to midnight and writing this. 

I wonder if I’m just being overly nostalgic because I have had a lot going on in life over the last several months.  I’ve ended a relationship with the last guy my father ever met and that, although I hate to admit it, is bothering me quite a bit.  The fact that any future partner I may have in my life will never have the chance to get “Dad approval” actually brings a tinge of sadness to my heart.  On a positive note though, I received a promotion at work and am finally getting my own department and becoming a supervisor.  Again, knowing that these types of successes in life are just the things I would want to share with him and not being able to, well, that saddens my heart a little more. 

But I don’t want to give the impression that I’m super sad.  Quite the contrary.  I mean, of course, I would give everything just to be able to have my Pop back in my life.  But the second best thing is knowing he will always be with me.  Through every disappointment and every success.  Through every good day and every bad day.  In every decision.  In every moment alone and those wonderful moments shared with family and friends.  He will be there every time I laugh with my mother and in every sweet conversation I have with my niece, his granddaughter.  He will be there when I’m listening to music or when I watch the History Channel.  He will simply be there.  These five words bring me a great deal of comfort and because I know this, I know he is always with me.  I had several reminders of that today.

As I drive to work each morning, there is one particular bend in the old country road I take every day that creates a perfect scene, a perfect moment.  Driving through it only takes about five seconds but it typically is the best five seconds of my day.  As you come out of a sharp turn, the road begins to slope downward.  Then, looking past the slope a little further the road opens into another bend at the bottom that heads over a bridge.  Overhead the trees cover the road so that you cannot see the sky, simply the sunlight as it filters through the green leaves that are turned golden as they are bathed in the shimmer of light.  The leaves fracture the streams of luminous glow and send it cascading over the pavement, a slight, misty haze in the air.  With the river as a backdrop I can think of nothing more beautiful than this moment each day.  That moment, if I could capture it and replay it 20 times a day, well,  it would be a good day every day.  I say all this to describe the magical moment I experienced this morning as I passed through this sacred point in my route to work.  Nothing unusual or different about this day except the light.  The sunlight had a heavier tinge of orange this morning which painted the trees and road in the shades of fall.  Very striking.  I thought an appropriate, simple gift for my dad, from our Heavenly Father.  What a beautiful day, what a beautiful moment shared in quiet with my dad as I simply drove to work.

As I progressed through my busy day, all the projects I’m managing right now, all the people I’m collaborating with and coordinating work for, I just thought about how Dad would be proud of his little girl.  I think he would feel that some of his superior management skills had rubbed off.  I would also like to think that while he was here I made him feel that his sacrifices in this life were not in vain.  That I have come as far as I have in large part due to his generous contributions to my education, my upbringing, my work ethic and simply being a good father.

As I left work today and headed to church, I was greeted again with the sunlight.  This time though, instead of the early morning sun, God created the most beautiful sunset.  As the golden rays spilled out from behind the clouds and stretched out towards the earth, I was embraced by the warmth and comfort of his memory.  It was almost as I could feel him saying to me, “I’ve had a good day, I love you and don’t worry about me.”  Again, just another stolen moment with my Dad.

And lastly, each month we have a birthday night in choir.  Someone brings a cake, someone brings drinks and after choir rehearsal we celebrate all the birthdays for that month.  A tradition is to also sing ”Happy Birthday.”  So tonight as we celebrated this month’s birthdays, I thought yet again of my father and I sang “Happy Birthday” to him with all my heart, because after all, that is now where he lives.

Happy Birthday Dad!  I love you and miss you very much.

back to plan A

I’m a planner.  All my life I’ve always wanted to accomplish things.  I’ve set goals and worked towards those goals.  I see where I want to be and I’ve planned the steps to get there.  I knew as a little girl that my Plan A would include getting a decent education which would lead to a decent job which could help me afford a decent house.  I would be independent and self-sufficient and potentially one day I would head down a path to my dream of owning property.  There I would build my dream home, build a dream barn in order to take care of my dream horses and all the while I would contribute what I could to the greater good of humanity.

Grand dream right?

Notice that finding a guy, marrying said guy and starting a family never entered into that dream.  That’s right, because I felt like if it happened – great – and if not – great.  I was going to be alright either way.  I didn’t feel that becoming a wife and mother was my main purpose in life.  I was an oddity in my circle of friends who were boy crazy and were pretty much just busy planning the next party they would attend to meet the guy of their dreams.  This was so they could one day marry him, have 2.5 children, own the house with the white picket fence and live out the American dream happily ever after.

I was not swayed by them or the fairytales and romantic comedies I watched growing up.  While I love to plan, planning my wedding at the age of 12 with my girlfriends at a slumber party was not my idea of fun.  I was very content to be on my own, working my odd jobs, going to school, and putting away money to contribute to my Plan A.

That is until about six years ago where on one fateful evening I was reintroduced to an acquaintence and we started dating shortly thereafter.  At first things were fine.  He was independent and so was I.  He liked his alone time and so did I.  He had his own house/space and so did I.  Things were good.  I was able to date without pressure and continue working towards Plan A. 

Over the years though things started getting more serious.  I didn’t want to have as much alone time as before, I wanted to be a little more dependent, and I wanted to start merging our lives and our homes.  I was rethinking my Plan A and replacing some of the terms with a Plan B which included finding someone to share my life with, to create experiences and share memories with.  Someone I could build a home and a family with.  Someone with whom I would allow myself to depend upon and in turn be there for him.  This acquaintence-turned-boyfriend was just the guy that stopped me from thinking about Plan A so much and started me thinking about planning a wedding and a preparing for a shared existence.

We struggled off and on as I started to see our relationship in a more serious light.  We’d break up and get back together, break up and get back together.  It was a cycle.  We never seemed to be on the same page about what we both wanted.  It was Ultra Bachelor meets Miss Independent – now make it work… 

We also personally went through some deep losses and hardships over these six years.  Our parents had a variety of health issues and then, sadly, we experienced several deaths of family members including a few uncles, my grandmother, and both of our fathers.  These events created a stronger bond between us but also distracted us from focusing on our relationship and each other.

As I lost these lovely people in my life one by one and crept closer and closer to turning 30, I realized how much I would love to have Plan B.  I discovered how short life is and that it’s all about the people you surround yourself with.  It’s about who you let into your heart and whose heart you earn your way into that really matters.  Because when you are gone, your memory lives on in the hearts of others.  I felt the need to live in someone’s heart and to pour all my heart and love into someone else and the next generation. 

After some time, I finally decided that we were at a point to make a decision for Plan B.  We had had six years of ups and downs, happiness and sadness.  We’d seen each other at our worst and at our best and if these experiences did not create a direct path to each other then it was time for the relationship to end.  Needless to say he wasn’t ready despite all the life we’ve already shared together.  We couldn’t be the best of ourselves for each other and that’s really what it came down to.

So my planning has started all over again only this time I’ve had a small taste of what another plan may feel like and it has left my heart broken. 

In the meantime I’m coming back to Plan A.  That existence I know and understand.  It has been in the works since I was a child.  It is comfortable and straightforward.  Plan B was emotional and messy.  It was always changing and it caused me to change.  Plan A is steady, reliable.  As I pick up the pieces from my detour gone bad, I am trying to remind myself that God has the ultimate plan for my life and it is the most sure thing I can cling to.  Though my current situation saddens me, I know that everything happens for a reason.  I’m beginning to believe that God is showing me that I don’t always have to be strong, independent and self-sufficient.  I believe through these last six years He has exposed my heart and created an urgency to feel more connected to Him and to others.  I’m still learning, I’m still a work in progress, and while I’m falling back on Plan A, I know that my true planning, my true life path can only happen when I’m solely and completely depending upon Him.

a good woman

Spring is wonderful, the time when the earth wakes from its dark and dreary slumber.  When the grasses grow and flowers bloom.  When the world comes out of hibernation and the birds start to sing again.  It is such a beautiful and miraculous time of year, a time of new life and rebirth… but this time last year instead was a time for me to say a sweet goodbye.

My last-living grandparent, my 86 year old grandmother passed away on April 8, 2009.  And as I approach the one year anniversary I wanted to pay tribute to a remarkable woman.  At her precious homecoming I remember thinking what a beautiful person she was and how blessed I was to have known her and to have been loved by her.  I still absolutely believe this, however, in the year since her death I think I have come to realize and understand the deeper level of what she was to our family and what she sacrificed for us.

I could write a novel about how she had a hard life, I would have no shortage of material.  I would write about how she, like most her age who lived through the Great Depression, lived through hard and desperate times.  How she grew up in a textile town and married the boy down the street.  How she worked as a seamstress to feed and raise eight children while dealing with a difficult husband.  How she watched her father, mother, sister and brother pass away one by one entirely too soon.  How she watched helplessly as her husband and later two of her sons went to war for this country and how she worried day after day over their safety and whether she would see them again.  How she cared for her husband after a detrimental stroke until his death in 1993 while also battling her own health problems.  How she aided in caring for her children as they also started having severe health problems of their own.  How she took on raising some of her grandchildren.  And how she then watched as four of her children passed away, something no mother can ever be prepared for.

I say all this to paint a brief picture of everything that my grandmother would have never mentioned.  She never complained, rarely outwardly grieved.  She was neither an optimist or a pessimist, she simply focused on the task at hand and took life for what it is.  On the exterior she may have seemed hardened by years of these difficult challenges, but underneath that toughened shell was a good woman.   Simple, caring…

You see this was my father’s mother and many of you know that my father passed away nearly four years ago.  In the years that followed his death, my beloved grandmother became my connection, my lifeline to the side of the family that I felt slipping from my grasp.  Without the presence of my father, and with the deaths of several others in the years prior, the family that shared my name started to become a distant memory to me.  But with Grandma, I was able to continue to feel like a part of the family and she provided me with a sense of belonging and helped me to keep my dad’s memory alive.  I can only hope I was the same comfort to her as she grieved for him too.  That by staying in touch with his child, she in turn, also had the gift of continuing to feel her son’s love.

But she was great about keeping me up to date with the happenings of the family.  The aunts, uncles, and cousins that a busy life often prevents me from visiting with, well, I could always count on the family roundup session with my grandmother when I would visit her.  She would fill me in on all the details of everyone.  She had an amazing memory.  Never failed to remember a birthday or anniversary, who was married to who, which children belonged to which parent, which child had their first basketball game or lost their first tooth, who changed jobs or went to what doctor for what ailment, etc…  and this was no small feat because our family is quite large.

Even more amazing was the fact that not only could she recite the entire play-by-play of any event in her own life or the life of anyone in our family, but she could do this for any other person or family group that came across her path.  Her neighbor down the street, the lady that styled her hair, the man she met at the grocery store while picking out oranges… she could tell you anything you wanted to know about these people.  And it wasn’t in the way that a nosy gossip would be, she simply was interested and was genuinely concerned about other people’s lives.  I suppose that’s how you are when you’ve dedicated your life to caring for other people.

The fact is, my grandmother loved people.  She loved taking care of and checking on others.  She loved talking to people.  I can’t ever remember a time when she did something simply for herself that wasn’t out of necessity.  She would have given anyone anything she had to give if she thought they needed it or if they asked.

She was a good woman - a good-hearted, hard-working, strong, Southern woman.  She wasn’t emotional or affectionate, she didn’t shower anyone with compliments or gifts but she had a way of making you feel loved and fiercely protected.  She was, after all, the truest definition of a mother – she would fight to the end for any one of her family.

Though she was not one to give gifts she did bless me with a few – probably without even realizing it.

On the days leading up to her homecoming, we had some sweet moments of small talk there in the quiet hospital room – just she and I.  Nothing major, nothing earth shattering, just simple and sweet.  Quite reflective of her personality.  But as she ventured in and out, between this life and her next, for a moment, as she’d done so many times before, she made me feel connected.  This time she brought together my world with the one in which my dad now resides.  I know he was in that room with us those days, I could feel him.  And I know he was eagerly waiting to welcome his mother with a warm embrace.  Though it was quite sad and a reminder of everything I’ve lost, it was one of the sweetest moments of my life.

I am so blessed to have been her granddaughter.  To have learned from her, to have witnessed her grace time and again through life’s joys and most difficult challenges, to have been loved by her so freely and abundantly.  These have truly been some of the most precious gifts I will ever receive.

There are countless things I could write about my Grandma but today I will just simply say that she was filled with goodness.  A goodness that felt like home every time she was in your presence, a goodness that helped sustain me through one of the most devastating losses of my life, a goodness that reaches beyond the grave and will live on in my heart forever.

I can only pray that I have somehow absorbed a little of that goodness because if I have, I will be better for it.  I am a better person because of her.

The Little Ship

I stood watching as the little ship sailed out to sea. The setting sun tinted her white sails with a golden light, and as she disappeared from sight a voice at my side whispered, “She is gone”. But the sea was a narrow one. On the farther shore a little band of friends had gathered to watch and wait in happy expectation. Suddenly they caught sight of the tiny sail and, at the very moment when my companion had whispered, “She is gone” a glad shout went up in joyous welcome, “Here she comes!”

~ Author Unknown