A SpotsBug’s World

this is my life

My birthday week kicked off on Tuesday when my mom made her special birthday beef stew for dinner.  You see, I love my mother’s beef stew and having it for a birthday meal sometime around my birthday has been a tradition now going on 15 years or so.  It was delicious and she’s so sweet to want to make it every year for me.  Of course, we have it other times throughout the year, but I know that this special batch timed around my special day each year has a little extra love in it just for me.

On Wednesday I enjoyed a lunch with one of my closest friends at my favorite Thai restaurant.  We chatted about life and work, me turning 30 and we started planning some activities to do together in the fall.  I love her and cherish our friendship so much.

Then the big day arrived, Thursday was the day I turned 30.  I didn’t go to work so I was able to sleep in and have a leisurely morning.  My mother joked about not calling too early to allow me to sleep and asked when it was “safe” to call.  Around 10 a.m. I received a phone call from her wanting to be the first to wish me a happy birthday.  She was.  I got ready and went to her house around noon.  We had made plans to meet my brother downtown for lunch at a local sandwich shop.  Shockingly he had agreed to join us.  It was a nice meal and a good time with just my mom and brother which hasn’t happened in a long time.  Next up was a movie and then milkshakes.  Mom and I decided to treat ourselves for the day.  I mean you only turn 30 once right?  (In reality, you only turn any age once, but it was a nice excuse anyway).  Then back to Mom’s for a few presents.  She had gotten me one of my favorite movies, a new CD by an artist I really like and a cute little book with sweet and funny birthday quotations in it.  She had also made my favorite, a homemade chocolate cake.  The final activity of the day was dinner with Mom and my on-again, off-again boyfriend at my favorite Italian restaurant.  (Are you sensing a theme yet that my birthday revolves around food?)  It was a great dinner which included the waitress bringing out a free dessert for my birthday.  The slice of chocolate cake was enormous and plenty for three people and then some.  But it was still warm and delicious.  Just the perfect way to end the evening.  I managed to turn 30 and not have any traumatic event take place, no arguments with anyone, my body didn’t fall apart from old age, nothing… I would say that it was a good day.

On Friday I did nothing.  I had planned on having at least one lazy day during my long birthday weekend and so it was Friday.  I stayed in my pajamas all day, ate leftovers from all my great meals, had some birthday cake, played with the kittens and watched movies.  Lovely!

Saturday was another wonderful birthday celebration.  Mom had traded in the usual tradition of several smaller gifts for one large gift in the form of a party to celebrate my 30th birthday.  We know each other so well that she would have had difficulty making the party a surprise, but it was great just the same.  However, there was a  surprise after all and it came when I walked through the door of our church fellowship hall and found that my mother had set up several tables worth of photos and memorabilia representing my life.  I felt like it was a “This is Your Life” moment.  I walked across the room and looked over the tables where my old girl scout uniforms were hanging, the dress I came home from the hospital was laying along with my birth announcement and hospital bracelet, my first book bag was sitting out, a photo album containing memories of my childhood was open, announcements from graduations were set in front of graduation pictures, and many, many photos of me with those I have loved most in my life.  My mom included most everything I’ve done over my last 30 years (at least everything she still had at her house – she later commented she wished she hadn’t let me take so much stuff to my house when I moved out several years ago).  She had my grandparents and other family members with me, friends, even the cats that have been a part of my life.  I’m not an outwardly emotional person usually but seeing this overwhelming display my mom had created and then spotting, in the middle of these precious items, a couple of pictures of my father holding me at the hospital 30 years ago, I couldn’t help it, it brought a knot to my throat and a few tears to my eyes.  Oh how I miss him and wished he could have been here for this…

After I recovered from that incredible surprise, the guests started arriving.  One by one they came through the door and I simply felt honored by their attendance.  Each one holds a special place in my heart.  Uncles and aunts, cousins, former neighbors, coworker friends, my youth discipleship leader, childhood friends, my brother and my precious niece (who turned one only five days before my birthday) all were there and all mean so much to me.  All in all, around 40 people came.  It was such a blessing to have them in one room for one night.  I was actually fighting back tears of joy for most of the evening – again, completely unlike me.  I had wanted to say a few words about how much they all meant to me and how blessed I feel to know each of them, how much they have each added to my life and thank them for all of their support, love, and friendship all these years… but the words just wouldn’t come.  In the wake of emotion I couldn’t get the words out and I also forgot to thank publicly the most important person in the room, my mother, for all of her hard work putting the party together.  I know it took a lot of time, effort, money and patience to pull it all into place and I am so grateful to have a mother that wanted to do it.  I am so lucky.  It was a wonderful night.

As I’ve thought about that evening since, I’ve realized something, not that I didn’t already know this but it has just been impressed upon me again through this event.  But its those people who make my life what it is.  It isn’t the stuff I buy or what I have, it isn’t the job I’m in or how many people look up to me, it isn’t power or money or hobbies… it is simply people.  It is who I let into my life, who I allow to grab hold of a piece of my heart so I can carry them with me always.  These special individuals that I laugh with and cry with, that I talk to, that I share memories with, that I let teach me things and open me up to experiences and interests… these people, both now and the ones that have already passed on, well, they are my life -  This is My Life.

after the breakup

Life after a breakup can be hard.  It is a readjustment to life.  It is the feeling that when you went into the relationship you were a whole person but somehow coming back out of it you are only a half.  He became my other half and I miss that half. 

But slowly and surely I am recovering.  I’ve shed a few tears, had my angry thoughts, dreamt about what could have been and I now find myself beginning to come out on the other side.  Not to say that I can get over it in just a few short weeks, I mean it was 4 1/2 years of my life, but I know life goes on and I must go with it.

It is a strange thought that someone who has been so close and with whom I’ve shared so much for so many years will no longer be around – or at least not to the capacity that he was before.  No more Friday night movies or morning phone calls.  No more workday emails or saying just the right thing to make me smile at the end of a bad day.  But I know at some point in the future the reason for this will become quite clear.  Someday I’ll realize that there is something/someone else meant for me. 

When that moment arrives, I’ll look back on this relationship as a learning experience.  It will always be a moment in time that God put us together intentionally to face the difficulties of those years together.  This relationship is something I had to go through in order for Him to get me to be where He wants me to be.

But until that time comes, I’m trying to remember what life was like before the relationship.  I’m spending more time with friends and family (I thank the Lord for these people).  These individuals have gone out of their way to make sure that my social calendar remains full and they are ever ready with a listening ear.  I appreciate their love and care through this.  As always, I can count on them – they never let me down.

As for him, I wish him the best that life has to offer.  He is a wonderful man with a tremendous heart.  Unfortunately it seemed to be the walls around that heart that I could not break through.  I do hope he finds what he is looking for.

the one true remedy

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been fighting with a terrible pain that has developed in my right elbow and forearm.  I don’t know if it is a mild case of tendinitis or if I’ve just strained it using the computer mouse too much… ha ha… whatever it is, it hurts and has disrupted my life in a variety of small ways.  So I’ve been taking aspirin or a pain reliever every day to help ease the discomfort and make my work and life bearable.

This got me thinking though about how I used to think medicine was such a miracle.  When I was a little girl I was always amazed that no matter my ailment the medicine always knew where to go to make me feel better and fix me right up.  This puzzled my young little mind.  You consume a pill or a teaspoon of something and in an hour or so the pain in your stomach, or your sore throat, or the throbbing from a scraped knee was all but a memory. 

Of course, now as an adult I understand the science behind it and that actually through digestion it absorbs into your bloodstream and travels all over your body – not really targeting any one specific problem but rather helping your entire body. 

However, I have thought about how the medicine of our lives can come in many shapes and forms. 

Obviously there is the medicine for our physical bodies.  But what about the medicines for our hearts, our minds, our souls?

I mean, I would consider my friends to be a good source of medicine.  They always know how to make me feel better.  It seems the idea of medicine that they fulfill is the one that I held as a child.  They are little miracle workers that can always tell when I’ve been hurt or I’m feeling down.  They seem to know just what to do to make me feel better.  Whether it’s to tell a joke or change the subject, let me cry or know when I may need to be alone.  The medicine they provide is a targeted and specific cure for whatever is ailing my heart and my mind.

My mother is good medicine.  I suppose she understands me at a deeper level than probably anyone else on this earth.  She always knows exactly what I need and when I need it.  Whether physical or otherwise, my mother has always been my constant IV drip which has provided healing for my body, mind, and heart all my life.

With all that medicine in my life it’s a wonder that I could ever be sick, hurt, sad, angry, or have any other ailment for very long.

But there is a medicine we all need.  The only one that can heal our soul completely and wholly.   By trusting in God and His promises we are given the true medicine of our lives.   Not the medicine of my childhood that targets specific problems on a temporary need-only basis, but the kind that flows through your bloodstream.  It is the long-lasting, absorption-prone kind that gets into your heart and strengthens your soul, your entire being.  

I struggle with this. 

I think back to a time when my mother once tried to give me Robitussin for the first time.  The burning sensation was too strong for me and I spit it back out, all over the kitchen, making a huge mess that my mom was left to clean up. 

I find myself many times, rejecting God’s word in much the same way.  I try to accept it, but my stubborn nature doesn’t acclimate to the burning in my heart and the ache I feel to change my ways.  I end up spitting it back out and making a huge mess on my own. 

I know that I have to find God’s promises to me.  I need to search for those answers wholeheartedly and seek His guidance and wisdom.  And when I do find the answers I seek, I need to digest them and let them absorb into my heart and soul.  Only then can I find the relief from my deeper ailments, the ones that hold me back and disrupt my walk with Him.  Only then can I find my one true remedy.