A SpotsBug’s World

1,096 days = 26,304 hours = 1,578,240 minutes

My father was a numbers man.  He could calculate and crunch digits in his head faster and with more accuracy than anyone I have ever known.  This was a gift, a true talent he possessed – and one that he unfortunately did not pass down to me.

It always amazed me to watch him in action – he could figure P/E ratios, amortization schedules, compounding interest, percentages, all in a matter of seconds and do it with an ease that made it look like first grade math.

So today, in his honor, I calculated time.  Time that has passed since May 31, 2006.

1,096 days = 26,304 hours = 1,578,240 minutes.

These numbers signify the time that I’ve spent missing him, remembering him, and being grateful for the time that I was able to share life’s most precious moments with him.  And while he’d be so proud that his mathematically-challenged daughter managed to crunch some numbers of her own today, it wouldn’t measure close to how proud I am to have been his daughter.

And today, on this 1,096th day, my family remembered my dad in a different, more hopeful way.  We were reminded that life goes on as the echo of my father could be heard in the sweet laughter of the granddaughter he would have loved so much.  The toothy smile that lit up her precious, little face also lit up my heart.  And since my father now lives on in my heart, I know that for a moment today he could feel the same warmth from that beautiful baby girl.

I could not have asked for a greater blessing on a day like this than to spend a couple of hours with the ones I love the most.  I was able to see firsthand how a new generation can carry all the hope and love of a family into the future, despite the obstacles, difficulties, and differences we all may have.  And for a brief time today we set our differences and past grievances aside and joined together to celebrate the memory of one and the youthful wonder of another.

I pray that as the minutes, hours and days continue to tick away, that we never forget my father and his contribution to our family.  That we understand that were it not for him there is a good chance we would all be in vastly different places.  I will always be thankful that God chose him to be my father – I could have had no better.

But I also pray for my family.  I pray that we realize just how quickly the days pass, that time is so very precious.  I pray that we come to understand how important it is to forgive and let go of frustration and bitterness so that we can move forward and try to rebuild some of what we’ve lost.  And hopefully, in turn, we can create a better future for this bright-eyed, innocent child so that she will not have to carry the burdens of our mistakes.

If we can do this, if we can make our family whole again, then I cannot think of any better way to honor my father’s memory.

his name was alvin

My grandmother rarely mentioned him.  But every once in a while a comment would slip through her lips about her brother.  He was born on July 4, 1924 and died by sniper fire somewhere in the cold mountains of Nazi Germany on October 1, 1944.  He was laid to rest on a beautiful hillside overlooking the Vosges Moutains in Epinal, France next to 5,255 of his brothers in arms.  He was only 20.  His name was Alvin.

When my grandmother passed away in 1998, we found pictures, letters, certificates and other memorabilia that represented the life of her baby brother.  She had packed them up in a couple of boxes and tucked them away, much the same way I think she did with her heartache over the loss of her only sibling.

His death forever changed the course of our family.  The relationships between my grandmother and her mother, my grandmother and her children – I feel were quite different than they would have been had he lived.  A piece of my grandmother died the day she received news that he was killed in action.  And I feel that a little bitterness set in, took hold, and never quite let go.

I feel honored to have my great uncle Alvin in my family tree, for his sacrifice in the name of our country and for the love he had for his big sister.  Something I only realized after reading the sweet letters he sent home.

With another great uncle, a grandfather, three uncles and my own father that served in the military, all during wartime, I grew up learning that our great country is only great because of men and women who are willing to put their lives at risk to defend our honor, our freedoms.

For those in my family and those millions of others who have sacrificed so much for our security and comfort I would like to say thank you.  This Memorial Day is an opportunity to say I am so grateful for your commitment and ultimate sacrifice.

When you go home, tell them of us and say, for their tomorrow, we gave our today. ~ The Kohima Epitaph

the lost month

I have failed at posting any content over the last month.  I’ve had a multitude of things going on that life seems to always have a way of hitting you with all at the same time and it has caused me to be either too tired, too busy, too emotional, or too numb to write anything.

So here’s a brief recap of the events and I know I will expand upon some of them a little later in separate posts.

1. I’m still dealing with a break-up - a major break-up of a nearly five year relationship.  It’s not something you just get over in a day or two.  It hasn’t helped that this emotional chaos is playing out in the background of my life, especially during the last four or five weeks.

2. Work is picking up with lots of new projects starting while still trying to maintain the day-to-day activities and several ongoing projects.  This has left me a little stressed and frazzled many days thinking about how in the world is one little me going to get everything up and running and do it well all by myself.

3. It is known to many of you that my brother and I have had somewhat of a relationship meltdown over the last decade and so things seemed to reach a boiling point and I had a meeting with him to discuss how we can all work to make things better.  I’m still not sure of what the outcome will be, but I can’t let myself ever stop trying.

4. My lovely grandmother passed away at the age of 86.  She was a strong, Christian woman and so I have no doubts about where she is and who she’s with, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss her tremendously.  In the weeks that have followed, I have tried to catch up with family in hopes we can all stay in touch (my grandma was the glue that held us all together), and I have helped my aunt and uncles with some of her things at her house.

5. Just last week I lost both cats.  I am still hoping they will return, but it has now been a full week since I have seen them.  I have made two heartbreaking trips to the animal shelter, put flyers in some of my neighbor’s mailboxes, searched the neighborhood all over calling for them and called animal control to check traps.  Nothing. 

With all this emotional drama, I’m trying to hold myself together.  I’m sure I will be fine – I’ve faced much worse, but I do hope that the month of May brings some better news.  I’m hoping that “April showers bring May flowers” so to speak.

I’ll write more later and provide more detail about a few of these subjects.  In the meantime – all I can do is pray for God to mend my heart and help me to understand that He has an ultimate plan for me and whoever my life parter will be.  Pray that He helps relieve some of the work stress and exhaustion I feel.  That He helps me build back the bridge that will reconnect my brother with our family.  That He will provide me comfort in my grief, a feeling I’ve come to know all too well.  And a small prayer that my little, furry friends will return home and continue to provide me the constant companionship I’ve grown so accustomed to.