It’s the first day of March. The month that brings the beginning of spring. The month, that this year, holds within its days the glory of Easter. This month celebrates the luck of the Irish and college basketball. It brings winds that scatter seeds so new life is planted throughout the earth. This month is full of hope after the long, dreary days of winter.
For me, this month will mark a year anniversary of sorts. This month, a year ago, I was left standing at my front door, rejected, alone, emotionally spent, utterly broken. I have never been at such a low point in all my 33 years. I was left with nothing but questions about why and how I got myself into such a state. Those questions swirled around in my mind for months as I went through every moment of the previous year and a half over and over again. Depression ensued and my entire mind, body, heart and soul were all simply existing – nothing more.
And then… something happened. I can’t quite say exactly what started the reawakening, but I suppose that doesn’t matter. What matters is time marches on and I found myself beginning to heal.
The last few months have been very busy but I have reintroduced myself to a few things that I somehow had lost along life’s tumultuous journey.
I have rediscovered my first love. The horses that once brought more joy and peace into my life than I could have ever thought possible are once again filling my days with hope and happiness. I have found a few special animals that I have truly enjoyed spending my time with and am fairly certain that they have enjoyed my friendship as well. It’s not only about the animals though, the people at the stable are just what I needed during a time of sorrow. The old friendships I have caught up with and the new ones that I have enjoyed getting to know have been a tremendous blessing. One of God’s reminders that He will never leave me alone.
Speaking of friends… I have some wonderful friends, my true friends, that have loved me every second of the past year despite the fact that I basically disappeared and did not have the strength to pull my weight and carry my part of the friendship. My true friends have understood and been so patient and have given me space when I needed it and have sometimes intruded on my hermit-ship when they felt it was necessary to do so. Recently I have been able to celebrate with a couple of them as they have welcomed a precious baby boy into their family. Seeing their love for each other and for their beautiful son and having them declare me “Aunt” and bring me into their family in this way reminds me that God always welcomes me into His family, His Kingdom and He is patiently waiting with open arms no matter how many times I fail to carry my part.
Most importantly, I feel I have a renewed love for Jesus. With the new year, I decided I would read through the Bible in its entirety. The despair and desperation of my last year have brought a thirst for knowledge and His Word like at no other time in my life. Admittedly, I’ve struggled to stay on schedule with my daily readings from time to time, but I am learning and growing. With His words on my mind throughout the day, I have found a deeper sense of peace. My daily hardships don’t seem so insurmountable when I’m armed with the truth and wisdom of the Bible.
And I have been truly thankful for my amazing mother. When she was pregnant with me, she broke her leg trying to shield me, her unborn child, from being injured during a fall. She put herself in harm’s way to protect me that day and she’s never stopped trying to protect me ever since. As I’ve gotten older that has become more difficult to do. And I feel that for her, it is more difficult to not be able to protect me then it would be to sacrifice herself to do so. I know it was hard to watch me suffer and feel helpless. But what she doesn’t realize is that her steadfastness, her understanding, her unending love is all the protection I needed from her. Some things I have to walk through alone but just knowing that she was there, no matter what… well, that kept me breathing.
Early on in my grief I started telling the story here of me and The Ex. It was a healthy way for me to shed the sadness and frustration. It helped me to organize my thoughts and feelings so I could release them and move forward. I never finished telling the story. And at this point, I don’t believe I will. At least not in this way, through this blog. I have learned more lessons through this experience than I could ever count and new lessons are realized each and every day and so those, I’m sure, will be focused on and written about. Because I know that I have a better idea about what I want in this life and I know that I deserve better than what I thought I had for a time. Those realizations are part of my ongoing personal evolution and so they merit attention. The story, however, will be left unfinished, much like the relationship that it was about. A year later, I feel I’m ready to release my past so I can move forward to the future that God has set for me. I cannot travel beyond the pain if I continue to live in it, so the time has come to be filled with hope after my long, dreary winter because time marches on… and so must I.