the cruelty of sweetness… – Part Five

Fall came and with it brought the beginning of the fall of my relationship with The Ex.  I had started experiencing angry outbursts from him more often, I’d felt a little overwhelmed by his family, he’d shown no motivation to help me plan for our life, and all this and other things started putting doubt in my heart.  My heart which was once full of love and acceptance, patience and compassion for The Ex was beginning to harden.  It was beginning to build up the walls that would protect it during times of attack.  It was beginning to ready itself to prevent any hurt from affecting it.

His super sweetness, his affable nature that was so irresistible when we first met and on until a little after the time of our engagement was slowly fading.  His sweetness was turning into sensitivity, sensitivity to things I said or did, the mood I was in… the phrase “walking on eggshells” comes to mind.  Not feeling comfortable to be myself was riddling me with more and more doubt.

As the doubt flooded my mind and continued shutting down my heart and soul to him, I made the mistake of telling him that maybe I wasn’t cut out for marriage.  But even in that moment, I still was giving him the benefit of the doubt because I could not explain how someone so sweet could be so wrong for me.  Even after several examples at this point of his immaturity,  I placed all fault and blame on myself again and subconsciously tricked myself to believe that it was me who wasn’t ready for marriage.  When I told him, shockingly, he remained calm.  His sweet side reappeared, further confirming that I was to blame, and even made me feel stupid for doubting at all.  Why would I doubt this?  This sweet, patient man whose just been told his girl is second-guessing the marriage he had proposed and he responded with a hug?  How could I be so wrong and feel that I couldn’t marry him?  If he could take this news in such a sweet, loving fashion, then what was wrong with me?

His calm, as it turns out… was the calm before the storm…  To be continued…

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