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pieces don’t fit anymore

I’ve been struggling with a relationship over the last couple of years.  I’ve mentioned it a few times before, but this weekend marked five years since we began seeing each other.  I have decided that I’m ready for more.  For a more committed, deeper relationship.  One that leads to marriage and a family.  He isn’t, or at least he won’t allow himself to be.

We’ve been through so much together in five years.  Not just the day-to-day stuff that becomes routine and mundane which is troublesome in itself, but the really hard stuff too.  The life changing stuff.  The hurt, love, and loss that life brings.

In these five years, we’ve both struggled together with job problems, failed friendships, and difficult family relationships.  We’ve faced the ongoing health issues of our parents together and we stood by one another at gravesides as we each said goodbye to our fathers.  Unfortunately, we’ve perfected tragedy.

But I simply don’t understand how someone you’ve shared so much with, who you’ve given your heart to, who you believed would be your husband 50 years from now and the father of your children, how he simply just stops.  I don’t understand how we’ve stopped.

I suppose that is part of life though, getting through the things you just can’t understand.

I have waited on him to make up his mind, but it seems the longer I wait, the less I want the relationship, the less the pieces fit together.  I don’t want to feel that he finally gave in or that I’m dragging him through life by the ear.  I want him to be as open with me as I am with him, open to life and the experiences that it holds.  I want him to be just as excited to spend the rest of his life with me and who will treasure and enjoy raising a family with me.

I guess that is too much to ask of him at this time.  Maybe one day he’ll wake up but my hope in that is quickly fading.  He is what he is and I can’t change him.  He really shuts himself out of so much by not allowing himself to feel anything.  I just hope he figures out that letting people in and being less selfish with his time, that moving forward one tiny step after another is a lovely process and one that can enrich his life and make it better than he could have ever imagined for himself.  I hope he comes to this realization before it’s too late and he’s spent too many years stuck in the day-to-day, mundane tasks and selfish moments that tend to fill one’s empty life.

selection from The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore by James Morrison

I’ve been twisting and turning in a space that’s too small
I’ve been drawing the line and watching it fall
You’ve been closing me in, closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore

The pieces don’t fit here anymore

Oh, don’t misunderstand how I feel
Cause I’ve tried, yes I’ve tried
Still I don’t know why
No I don’t know why

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do
It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore

The pieces don’t fit here anymore

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